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she said, "it must be cool to be able to do what you do."
i said that it came with its benefits and its pitfalls. that security is non-existent and i worry every single day but that the trade off was worth it. most of the time.

she said, "it must be difficult to constantly come up with new ideas."
i said that was one of the most difficult challenges. that no one wants to hear the same record over and over again. that despite how good 'take this to your grave' was, it would be shitty if dudes tried to rehash the same sound and stomp it into the ground like so many others do. that the people who rise above are the innovators. and innovators take a lot of shit for sticking their necks out. they are the risk-takers and boat-shakers. most of the time they crash and burn but at least ALL of the time they tried something new.


i started writing to learn more about myself. to help make sense of it all. along the way some of you supported me because there was something you found within my journey. whether you identified or whether i was just simple entertainment, i kept digging. but i cant keep writing the same record. i cant keep giving people what they expect. i have to remember that nervous feeling that drove me to write those first stories in that first book that was never supposed to be. those first stories were dark nights in a freezing apartment written to an audience of skeptical kids with anonymous fingers and livejournal accounts. those stories were written with serious apprehension... and like ive always said, the only way i know that i am writing well is when what im writing about causes me to feel uneasy, uncomfortable and hesitant to press that "post to askheychris" button.

so its time to get back to that.

a while ago i began keeping a secret journal to help me write through the issues i have with intimacy. its rough. its uncomfortable for even me to go back and read. but last night i made the decision that these stories will be the basis for my next book.
it will offend some of you. it will shock some of you. some of you may identify with it, but most of you probably wont. right now is a overwhelming time in my life. the way i have been conducting myself scares me. but what i am beginning to learn, through these stories, is that never in all of my life have i been so desperate to understand the seeds that were planted within me.

this book will ensure that no woman will ever touch me again.
this book is as vulnerable as it gets.
this book scares the fuck out of me.

and THAT is how i know i am doing my job well.

because your voice is like a mother's coo in her newborn's ear. you've never sounded more delicate than tonight. and i haven't cried like this in a long, long time. i would give anything to hear you speak again. and then maybe i'd have the courage to ask you how your day went or if you'd had your dinner yet and if you still want me to stick around.

i wish you well.

please keep only the good memories.

ive never been this out of control.

These photos are old. Maybe we loved each other once. I don't know.


"Hi," I said after slipping into his car.
"Hello." He said back. I'm holding my laptop close, waiting for him to start driving so we can run some errands together and pick out the fucking puppy. But he says, "Aren't you going to look at me??"

I sigh.
I look at him.
And ...

I feel nothing.

Can you believe that? I fucking felt nothing when I looked at him.
I expected a flood of emotions. I expected my heart to thump. But it didn't.

He looked like shit. His hair is in that awkward-grown-out-stage after having been bald, and I notice all of the gross-looking things about his face that I had forgotten from being so fuckin' love-blind. I don't like the shape of his nose, or the weird shape of his head, or the funny-looking jaw he has. I don't like his creepy close-together eyes, or the strange build of his body. I don't like anything about him anymore. The physical attraction is gone. Totally gone.

"What?" He says, starting the car.
"Nothing." I say.
"Can I have a hug or something?" He asks, testing the waters.
"Yeah." I give him a lame-ass half-hug. "Come on, let's go. I wanna' get this over with."

We run errands. I pick up the stuff I need from Target. Deodorant, makeup remover, face wash, shaving cream, razors, winter hats, cool-looking gloves, big socks, a huge sweater, etc. He never complains. And when I ask him if he's bored, he tells me that he has all the time in the world for me and that he doesn't mind the shopping. And then we head to a bookstore where there's free Wi-Fi and look up the puppy I want together. The entire time, he keeps telling me to come over to him. To come give him a hug. And the entire time, I refuse. The entire time, I just remind him how much he hurt me, how much he makes me feel like shit, and how selfish of a person he is. I let it out.

But at the end of it, he makes those promises again. Tells me he loves me. That he's ready to quit being an asshole. That he's ready to change. And deep inside, I know he's not ready. But deep inside ... I really wish he was.

So when the night comes closer and the only thing left to do is just go home, we decide to go to a movie instead. Y'know. Prolong the bullshit just that much more. Because being around him is strangely comforting. Because there's something tiny there that I just don't want to let go of. Because I don't want to go home and be alone, stuck with my thoughts of him, when I can just hang out with the real thing instead. Even though I feel ... Nothing.

We get to the theater and realize the movie starts in an hour or so.
We need to kill some time.

We get coffee together. The conversation gets cheerier with the aid of caffeine. My mood brightens. We talk. I tell him about my trip to the Philippines and how I met the nicest guy in the world there (more details on this later), and he tells me that he's been good the entire time I've been gone and that there's nothing I need to worry about. I ask him if he's positive. I tell him that now is the time to let me know if he's done anything I would disagree with. He tells me that he hasn't done anything wrong, and that I need to trust him.

Okay, I say.
Eager because of coffee.
Eager to just be happy for once.
Eager to let go of the bad feelings and just try to enjoy myself around him like I used to.

The movie (Sherlock Holmes) ends up being really clever and funny. We hold hands. He puts his arm around me. I feel happy.

We end up going back to his house. We drop into the bed. We kiss. I'm turned on. I start to not care. We kiss more. He pulls his phone out of his pocket to try and get undressed.

Spider senses tingling, I say, "Wait."
"What?"
"Your phone. I want to see your phone." That's right. I fuckin' said it.
He looks nervous, suddenly. He pulls an excuse out of his ass, "No, we aren't going out. You can look through it whenever you want when we're going out."

Excuse me? If there was nothing to hide, wouldn't he be like, 'Of course, babe. Here you go!' Right?

"Get the fuck off of me," I say, pushing him.
"Babe, what are you doing? Stop it." He says, not lifting his weight from me.
"I'm done with this. I'm done with your bullshit. Take me home."

I'm furious. I feel betrayed. I feel disrespected. I try to shove him. He rises when he feels like it and sits to the side of me while I get up and search for my highheels.

"Bunny-bear,", he says, "Why are you upset? What's wrong?"
"I'm not fucking stupid, G. I know you're hiding something in your fucking phone from me. I'm not a fucking idiot. I don't want to deal with your dishonesty and your bullshit anymore. I am so fucking glad I didn't just sleep with you -- I feel like an idiot." I find my highheels on and slip them on.
"I'm not hiding anything!!" He says. And when I look over at him in serious disbelief, I can tell that he's searching for an excuse to cover up the phone incident. And when he finds one, he says, "It's just, this is the only leverage I have to getting you back. If I show you my phone now, how do I know you'll go out with me?"
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I say. "Leverage, G?! LEVERAGE?! You're a fucking horrible liar and I see right fucking through you." I grab my purse.
"I'm not a liar, Bunny!! I promise!!"
"You are a liar. This is exactly the same fucking excuse you used when you wouldn't show me your fucking Myspace because you had been talking to other bitches behind my fucking back. You think I'm stupid? You think I don't fucking realize when you're bullshitting me? How long have I known you, G?! How long?! How many times did I tell you already -- I DON'T TRUST YOU!! And this is not the way to get me to trust you again!!"

He stops. His lip quivers. His eyes get red. He drops his head back a little and squares up to try and prevent himself from tearing up in front of me. I cross my arms and shake my head, not giving into his bullshit. He's been caught and he fucking knows it.

"I just don't want you to get mad at me ..." He says quietly, finally admitting that there is something to hide, lips slightly parted, tongue in cheek to keep himself from breaking down.
"I'm already fucking mad at you, Bunny!" I say. That ship sailed a long time ago, genius. "I just... I can't believe you would do this. I gave you the opportunity already to come clean. I gave you a chance to let me know what you'd done while I was gone. I was honest with you about what happened in the Philippines. And you know why I was honest with you, Bunny?? Because I respect you enough to tell you. Because I feel that you deserve to know. Because I actually fucking love you. Because I don't hide shit from you. You don't respect me at all!! And you tell me that you love me?! That you're ready for a relationship?! LOOK AT YOU!! You're a little boy!" I'm not actually yelling when I say these things. More just ... Speaking incredibly sternly. Not raising my voice, but obviously upset and hurt.
"I do love you. I am ready. I'm sorry." He says, holding back tears again.

I take a moment to breathe. He asks me to sit next to him, and I tell him I'd rather stand. We continue.

"What do you want with me, hunny?" I say, sighing.
"I want to be with you. I want you to be my girlfriend so bad. I don't want anyone else, I just want to be with you. I'm ready now, I promise. I'm an idiot, and I made a huge mistake. I know."
"... You're such a scummy guy, you know that? Like, a real creep. I wouldn't even call you a 'bad boy' because that just glorifies the fact that you're nothing but a jerk." He has no response. "I've given you so many chances. And I've fallen for your bullshit every single time. I'm done."
"... So that's it? This is what you want? This is how you're going to play it?" He says quietly.
"That's it." I say.

He begins to cry.
He drops his head and presses his hand against his eyes.
No sounds.
Just silence and tears.

I feel bad.
I sit on the bed next to him.
I'm calm now.

"Look, I just want you to be happy. Okay, Bunny? And obviously, being with just me isn't what makes you happy." I say this quietly, putting a hand on his thigh reassuringly.
"Yes it is," he says. "You make me happy. I want to be with you." He chants it again, as if I didn't hear him before.
"I'm not ready to be with someone like you, Bunny. I'm sorry. I can't handle this kind of drama, okay? You're young, you're handsome -- go find some other girl. You're free. Text the girls in your phone since you worked so hard to get their numbers. And if you ever actually try and settle down with someone and they hurt you?? I'll fuck them up, okay?" I laugh a little.
"Oh, don't give me that--!" He says, pushing my hand away and brushing his tears off. "I don't want to be your friend, Bunny!" He gets on his knees in front of me and puts his head in my lap. I pet his hair instinctively. "I know I screwed up, I'm dumb, I'm an idiot. You can delete the numbers. I don't want them. I just want to be with you! I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I was just scared you would hate me. I'm ready now. I'm ready to be your boyfriend. I'm ready to start over, I promise!"

Blah, blah, blah, right?
Are we all thoroughly amused yet?
Can we guess where this is headed already?
Are we all falling for his trap again?
Do we all trust G enough after all of his bullshit to actually believe what he's saying?

The boy cried wolf, baby. The boy cried fuckin' wolf.

I spend the night with him (clothes on) one last time. I'd like to not be alone at night for once. I wake up in the morning because he's jerking off to me while I slept (I know, right?!) like the creep he fucking is. I don't know why I never thought that was weird before. Guess I just loved him that much. And when he drives me home, I try to give him one last chance to make it up to me. I tell him to give me his phone while he's at work, and that he can come pick it up after. He says no, that he needs it in case of an emergency. I tell him I'll give him my phone. He says no again, unable to come up with a reason why. More shit to fucking hide. More shit to lie about. More and more and more shit, and it's never going to end.

Liar.
Asshole.
Dishonest loser.
Scummy creep.

Fuck it.

fuck the puppy, that shit ain't worth it,
XOXO Cheri XOXO

PS. I'm going out tonight. With a friend that I'm absolutely positive G wouldn't want me hanging out with. Not because I'm doing it out of spite, but because this person makes me feel good. Because I'm single, and I can do whatever I fucking want. Because this isn't about hooking up with someone (which I don't plan on doing), but more about celebrating freedom and celebrating life. I'm doing this for me. Fuck the drama, dude. I'm so done with that. ... God, please give me the strength to be done with this. Please.

Care to stalk me? ♥
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one month to go and it's finally beginning to sink in. i'm so nervous, my heart is pounding and i feel like hurling. i can't lie down because then my fingers will turn cold. in fact, they are trembling as i type; that's how bad it is. i've so many errands to run. it makes me wonder what in the name of sanity i've been doing these past couple of months. i need to paint the walls, clear the room, sort out the shelves and laundry.. basically, what i need to do is erase myself from this place. and then sort my head out.

all i need right now is for somebody to hold me, to stroke my hair, to tell me that everything will be alright.

because right now, nothing is alright.

can you tell i'm bursting at the seams?





you can't.
because your eyes are still closed.

i used her. she didnt even know it was coming. she didnt even tell me her real name but she sat across from me and asked me where it came from.
"excuse me?"
"where did it come from?" she said again.
her response wasnt typical. usually when asked about my past i glaze it over with vague minimal one sentence answers because one truthful answer opens up ten more questions and then the night turns into 'chris' spoken word night'... only there are no books for sale.
"no, i wrote that to purposely be unattractive to a certain type of person."
"right. and i asked here does that come from."

i am familiar with rooms of people scrutinizing me. my past. my adventures. some look to me for insight and some for entertainment and i look to them as an audience of people willing to help filter the pain and regret. but this woman, didnt want the entertainment, she wanted the real deal. so you know what? i gave it to her.
i sat in her drawing room and let go. one thing lead to the next and to the next. not like there was a table of books being sold in the back of the room but like she was a dumping ground for the few secrets i still keep and would never dare to let anyone know or hear. a freedom we all wish for, a confessional with an evaporating priest who offers no penance. i babbled and didnt think of enunciation or continuity or transitions or context. i didnt look at her as an audience or as a therapist or as anyone who even cared. she was a stuffed animal in a dark bedroom at 4am that you cry into screaming, "only you understand." she was the cat that you whisper, "you never left me." she was anonymous and secret and wouldnt tell a soul because no one would even care. there was no six degrees of anything and she didnt even know my last name or what i did to put food on my table but at this moment i held back the tears because i had ever been given such an open platform to let go without fear of offending, hypocrisy or showing the dark cracks in my soul. i let her have it. i assaulted her with words that were only realizations as soon they left my mouth. i scared myself.
"you're nervous right now."
"no, i mean its like im trying to take all of these feelings and make them into coherent sentences but everything is coming too fast."
"you're nervous."
"i am nervous."

but she listened. i shifted my weigh and said, "fuck, ive got to stop."
she grabbed my arm and said, "no, sit."
"i have to go," as i looked at my phone.
but she waited and asked the right questions. it was obvious that i was uncomfortable. and like good will hunting her eyes kept saying, "its not your fault. its not your fault. its not your fault."

i remember very little of that night. but i do remember being shaken by a stranger in ways that no one else ever has or i have ever allowed. right place, right time, wrong dude.

and maybe i did use her, but maybe she was looking to be used.

Rofl. The ugliest face I can make. Nightmares much? ;D Anyways...
I land in San Francisco and I'm all smiles.
I can't wait. I'm fucking home, dude. I'm home.

The guy inspecting our passports asks, "How long have you been out of the country?"
"Too long," I say with a laugh, antsy while holding my luggage.
I watch him stamp my passport. He says, "Welcome back." And smiles.

I pay my cellphone bill quickly while on the drive back to my town, and send out a mass text message to the people who I feel deserve a hello. "Testing, testing! :)" it says.

Garrett texts me back, "You're coming in loud and clear!" I literally squeal, I'm so excited to hear from him. And then I get a call from Justine (who I also texted), and the first thing we do is screeeeam!! The reception is shitty, so I tell her I'll call her later. She says, "You better, bitch!!" And I say, "Later, girly!" Then text her after hanging up, "SO FUCKING GOOD HEARING YOUR FUCKING VOICE!!" And she's like, "Don't make me cry!!" Hahahaha.

I get home, sprint into my house, breathe in the familiar smell, and rush up to my room. As soon as I get inside, I dump all my crap on the floor and get ready to jump into bed.

But my cell rings.
And ... It's G.

No time to be angry. No time to waste tears on him. No time to think. I pick up and I say, "I am so fucking hooome!!"
"... Hi." He says, not sure how to react. I don't care.
I say, "I just got into my room. Oh my god, I just got into my fucking ROOM. Oh my god, you're about to hear me get in bed and wrap myslf with my blanket for the first time this year. Oh my god, I'm in my bed. OH MY GOD THIS FEELS SO GOOD!! I'M UNDER THE BLANKET! Jesus christ it's cold!! I'M SO FUCKING HOME!!"
"I can't believe you sent me a mass text-message instead of calling me when you got back." He says.
"How do you even know it was a mass text? How do you know I didn't just send that to you?" I say innocently.
"Testing, testing??" He says. "Babe, come on."

I laugh.

We talk for a minute about I-can't-really-remember-what. About New Year's, about Christmas, about what he did. I tell him about how my New Year's was full of illegal fireworks and a fear of being killed by explosions going off in the street, and he tells me about how he spent the new year with his best friends in Berkeley, and how he was the only single guy there, and everyone else was coupled up. And how he tried to call me at midnight, but my phone wasn't working.

I feel nothing at that point. Maybe a little smugness, but nothing more than that. I do feel bad for him though.

Then he says, "So... What about us?"

"What about us??" I ask him. Nonchalant.
"Are we going to talk about us?"
"What's there to talk about??"
"Well, I thought that when you got back, the plan would be to be together again." He waits for my response. I'm quiet. He says, "So ... Do you want that?"

I think about it. I think about the Philippines. I think about being hurt by him. I think about how it was fine for me to be away from him, and how everything was okay without him. I think about how the few times I did talk to him, all I experienced was hurt and pain, and I felt so fucking used. I felt worthless. I remember begging for him to be with me again, telling him I would try so fucking hard -- harder than I did before. And I remember being rejected. I remember him telling me no. I remember crying myself to sleep. I remember hiding tears from family. I remember everything.

I say, "Honestly, G, I don't think it's a good idea anymore." I say it gently, but matter-of-factly. No buts. No ifs. Nothing. I'm informing him.
He's quiet. Really quiet. He finally says, "But... I thought that was the plan. To be together again when you came back. I thought we were going to be together again." I can hear his voice getting shaky. I guess he wasn't expecting that. I guess he expected me to just say, 'oh my god really?! oh my god of course I'll be with you again!!' like I always fuckin' do. But I don't say that.
Instead, I say "Plans change."
"No, they don't. You're really throwing me off, here. This is really upsetting me. I really love you -- I want to be with you." He gets a little louder.
"I don't want to be with you anymore, G. Okay?? No more games. I had a great time being away, and I don't want to waste my time with you anymore." He says nothing. "I'm sorry, hun. Go be happy without me like you wanted, okay?"
"Why don't you want to be with me?" He asks. And I remember reading in a self-help book that answering questions like that only means that he's going to try and make excuses and try to fix them, thinking he can get out of it again.
"I don't want to fight with you about this, I'm just done."
"No, I don't like that." I can hear him getting antsy. He's never antsy. He's usually so ... Mellow and 'whatever' about everything, y'know? But he's starting to be fuckin' weird. He's starting to act like me when I don't get my way. I don't know what he's going to say next. "You have to be with me, that was the plan."
"I'm sorry, hunny, but no. I don't want to be with anyone right now. I really like being single and I like being able to make my own decisions and I like not having to worry about making you happy and I like being by myself. I just got used to it again and I really don't need you ruining this for me. Okay?? Don't you understand??"
"Bunny", he says, using the pet-name we use for one another. "Bunny, please. Please, babe. I'm begging you to be with me. I love you so much, I really do. I'm ready to make you happy, and I'm ready to do whatever it takes." Strangely out of character. Especially for him. He's not one to beg for anything. He hates it. He hates seeming like less of a man.
"What's so different now? Why now, when I don't want you? Why all of a sudden do you want to be with me when you never did before??"
"Because I've had so much time to think! I've been by myself, you've been gone, and I know what I want now! I want to be with you and I'm ready to commit and I'm ready to make you happy."
"Too little, too late."
"No, it's not too late."
"Yes, it is." I say firmly.
He switches tactics. "... Are you sure about this?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I'm positive. 100%, I'm done."
He's quiet. But he asks again, "... Really? Are you really sure? I don't think you are."
You're not fucking Yoda -- your Jedi mind tricks won't fucking work on me, dude. "Yes, I'm sure, okay, hunny? You don't make me happy."
"Yes, I do! You tell me I do! When you're around me, you can't deny that you're happy." Desperation.
"I'm not! And when I picture being around you, it makes me feel like shit. I can't even imagine being happy with you anymore. I really can't. Not after the way you treated me. You're not going to change for me, and I don't want it anymore! You're just not ready for commitment and you're not ready for the things that I want. So go be alone like you wanted."
"I will change for you! I am ready now. I'll do anything to make you happy, I promise. I'm an idiot and I learned my lesson."
"Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson. So go use that information on some new girl and go make her happy because it won't work with me anymore."
"I don't want a new girl! I don't want anyone else, I just want you."
"Look, I really don't want to argue with you about this -- I'm telling you no, and I'm not changing my mind. I love you a lot, but you're just not the one for me. I'm really tired from my flight and I'd like to get some sleep so I'll just talk to you later or something, okay?"
"No! I don't like this. You sound like me right now."
"What the heck does that even mean?"
"I mean, you sound like me when I'm trying to get away from you and when I don't want to be with you. And I don't like it. You're not supposed to be like this. I like how you are when you're excited to talk to me, and you're happy, and you're nice, and you're friendly. That's the Bunny I love. And you're not being like that right now. So I'm going to do what you do and make you want me again."
"Why??? I'm trying to tell you that you need to stop because I'm not interested anymore, okay?? Don't you understand that?"
"No, because it's not true. It always works on me when I think I don't want you and you act like this, so I'm gonna' do it too. Tell me what I need to do, babe. I'll do anything. Please, just tell me!"

I remember reading in a comment from one of my amazing readers that if he really wanted to get back with me, he would go out of his fucking way to prove it to me. Like some sort of grand gesture, y'know? To show that he really cared and that he was willing to sacrifice for me. So I try to think of something totally ridiculous that he'd never fucking do. Something impossible.

"You have to get a tattoo. You have to get my name tattooed on you." I say, pulling that one out of my ass.
"If I got a tattoo, you'd be with me again?" He asks.
"Yup." I say. But how fucked-up-funny would it be if he got my name tattooed on him and I didn't get with him, right?? LOL. Serves him right.
But he says, "You have to get my name too."
I roll my eyes and laugh. "Uh, no. I don't want to be with you. You want to be with me, remember??"
"Bunny, you have to be a little more reasonable than that."
I sigh. "I dunno'. Get me a puppy or something."
"OKAY!!" He says.

O_o ...

"What, really??"
"Yeah, really. If I get you the puppy, we have to pick it out together, and then we'll be together, right??"
"... I don't know, baby. ...Maybe. We need to talk about things. I don't know." I change the subject. "What are you doing tonight?"
"Coming home to see you."
"No, you're not. I'm busy."
"Doing what?? What are you doing tonight??"
"Hanging out with Justine. We're going out or something."
"No, I don't want you to go out. You have to stay up with me and talk to me all night."
"You can't tell me what to do, okay? We're not going out anymore."
"I know, but I really miss you. I want to talk to you. Please," he says.

And I don't know how he got in my head, but I ended up not going out with Justine (which really bothers me because she was the first person I wanted to see when I got back -- I really miss her and I really miss Garrett and I really miss just being around my friends. I feel like I'm ditching them when I end up flaking just for a stupid guy like G).

I stayed home. I slept off the jetlag. And when I woke up, G had already called to talk to me on the phone until the time came to sleep again.

The plan today is that he's going to help me run some errands (I'm going to Target to pick up a few things that I need -- mainly just Winter-Fashion stuff to polish off a few outfits that I have planned for the weather), and then we're going to some sort of WIFI place (like a bookstore or a coffee shop) to look up puppy shit online and pick out a dog together.

"But if you take me to run errands, you can't complain. I don't want to deal with your whining. So tell me right now because I'll just call Justine and go with her -- she'd actually want to do a little shopping with me."
"I promise I won't complain! I want to come with you."
"... Okay." Skeptical.

So... I'm cleaning my room right now, and drinking coffee, and picking out a really hot-but-casual outfit to wear so that when I see him for the first time in the year 2010, he'll be like, "Oh my god, she's so fucking gorgeous and I'm a fucking idiot for letting her go".

He's giving me a $200 down-payment for the puppy next week. He says that after we settle down together and things are going really good, he's going to get the tattoo as well. He says that he's afraid of commitment because he doesn't know if he wants to get married, but he does know that he wants to be with me. I tell him that I never fucking asked him to marry me, and that it's not about marriage. It's about building trust with someone and maybe reaching that point. He says he's ready to commit. Ready to be truthful and honest and just ... Y'know. Be a real fucking boyfriend. The best boyfriend I could ever have. He says that he wants to take trips with me, and do things with me, go places with me, and spend time with me. He says that he won't let his friends get in the way of how he feels for me anymore, and that I'm totally invited if he's out and about with them (as if I really want to hang out with his friggin' friends, but y'know, it's a fucking step, right?).

We'll see..

as always, keeping you updated on the drama,
XOXO Cheri XOXO

Care to stalk me? ♥
CHERITV // MAKEUPBYCHERI // TWITTER // DEVART // PHOTOGRAPHY
SUBSCRIBE TO MY BLOG RSS
heycheri@gmail.com

she sat in the purple chair next to me and said, "so tell me what happened."
i said, "okay, ill try and make a long story short."
she said, "no, i want the long and full version."

we sat there for close to two hours. i gave her details and examples of how i felt that i was taken advantage of and i how i was well aware of what was going on. i told her how i wasnt "that guy". the kind of guy who is easily manipulated.
she said, "you know you once told me how you shouldnt have to make excuses for someones behavior."
i said, "i know."
she said, "and you also told me once how just because someone is nice to you only a few days out of the month doesnt make them a good person."
i said, "i know."
"so what happened?"

i said, "i just wanted to believe in someone that everyone else had given up on."

and that was the absolute truth. but if you havent been there, then you dont know. its not a "project" to believe in someone and yes, some of us do actually find love within the tortured throw-away artists and not all of us are out to "save someone". some of us find a spark, a light and a brilliance in another person that outshine all the dull and boring who came before them. sometimes that person is rational and sane... sometimes not.
and while we cant control what we find attractive, we can at least be aware of our surroundings. yes, i will fully admit that i was taken advantage of. because i believed that one day my feelings would be reciprocated. that one day she would look at me how i looked at her. and that one day, i would have the opportunity to see her become the resilient woman that no one believed she could ever be.

but there is a truth in the collective mass. while not exclusive, when most of the people you trust, whose opinions you trust, tell you that that just because it shines doesnt mean its gold... well, we should give their words some credence. i trust my friends collective word. my faith in someone blinded me from what everyone was screaming in my ears. but thats fine. i dont regret the time i spent believing in someone. yes, i was wrong in the end, but you know what... thats fine. i dont regret the kisses that she didnt deserve or the attention, support or affection. nope. what i do regret is how they could have been spent on someone more deserving. and what i have come to realize is that if someone is an asshole to you 27 days out of the month, its because they are just an asshole.

so many of us make excuses for the people we love. i have done it more than i would care to admit. and do i feel like a fool? well sure. but at least i know my intentions were good. and i have learned that when we make excuses for people, it is us lying to ourselves. its us wanting to believe the image and the fantasy. its us trying to hold on to the facade they were in the beginning. theres nothing wrong with being fooled... but if we hold on while fully aware of being taken advantage of, well then we simply become the fool.

if you feel like a fool, if your trusted friends are all telling you the same thing and if you feel as if you're being taken advantage of, you probably are.
yes, it will be painful when you walk away.
yes, you will cry and it will feel like the dark walls are closing in.
yes, you will think how you will never love anyone as much as you loved them.
yes, you will secretly wish to wake up from a text from them.

but we know whats right. and more importantly, we know whats right for us.
we know that walking away is the right thing.
we know that ignoring the texts is the right thing.
we know that not reading their blogs is the right thing.
we know that crying is healthy.
we know we said we would never love anyone as much as we loved the last person before them and before them and before them.

and we know we deserve someone who treats us well more days than not.
and we know we are better than this.
and we know that once we realize this, we will attract the kind of people who will appreciate our love.

why is it that nature is set up in such a perfect and predictable manner?
like how tides are determined by the moon, how after millions of years there are almost equal males and females and how just when you start to genuinely move on after the end of relationship you can count on one day looking down at your incoming text box to a text message from your ex? as if nature says, "woah, wait a minute there, lil buddy. you didnt think it was going to be THAT easy, now did you?"

you may have noticed i havent been posting much lately. what seems to baffle so many people is that they cant seem to comprehend why im not just "over this" already. they see me complicate my life with more distractions and just assume im back to 100%. truthfully, im around 80% but the remaining 20% is still strong enough to keep me up at night wondering who would attend my funeral, if you know what im talking about.
if you dont, i envy you.

i need to get the fuck out of dodge and quick. i have been getting myself into far too much trouble. so much so that ive been scaring myself. my leash has been unlatched and this dog is tearing through everyones trash. although, ive been working on a book that has been moved up from 0% chance of seeing the light of day to 20%. its a cross between my 3rd book, 'notes from the deep end' and 'women' by bukowski, only not as misogynistic. the stories make the myspace girl story from 'a life deliberate' seem kindhearted and innocent. its the kind of book that would make half of you hate me and everyone outside of my immediate friends see me in a different light. ooh, ive got a good idea, chris... why dont you quit your stable job so you can tour, then quit touring so you can concentrate on being an idealistic teen, then alienate your audience by showing them your ugly side.
businessman of the year!
god, im the worst at making money. anyone want to buy 49% of the dxs pub co? i for real have 100 shares in a folder somewhere. you can take your 49 embossed certificates and wall paper your shed; or maybe keep a pile next to the toilet for when you need emergency toilet paper. hell, it beats dryer sheets.

speaking of 'notes from the deep end', i only printed one edition of the book at 1063 copies which sold out pretty quickly and hasnt been available for a while. so much so that some assbags think they can get away with selling copies for $131. like where do you come up with 131? who just calculates that price and what the crap is it based upon?


- yesterday i was rollerskating and i looked over at a friend and said, "you ever have one of those moments that are so surreal you feel as if you're not really living in them. its as if its all some strange and perfect dream?"
she said, "sure."
"this is one of those moments."

i took a minute to skate around by myself and look around the old and dingy rollerskating rink that i probably hadnt been inside since 1988. i remembered where i almost got into a fight, where i peed on the floor and where i had my first breakdancing battle in 1984. then i looked up and saw my moms and princess gianna on tiny little rollerskates, and my friends i grew up with, and kids i was friends with in high school, and my hot dougs dudes. all of this while skating to van-halen and old breakdance music. when i say that i literally couldnt have asked for a better day, i wouldnt be exaggerating one bit. it was so overwhelming and perfect. so thank you to everyone who came out and made my night magic.

I'm awake. I know you're awake too. I wonder if our thoughts will cross tonight. Like in a crowded place when there's a sudden noise and everyone looks and for a split second we've all shared thoughts. I've thought yours and you've thought mine and the line between whose thoughts they are becomes unimportant. Sharing those little thoughts is a little like sharing the same body. And a little of that is like sharing the same consciousness and a little of that is the same soul. There should be a name for that.






My darling I love you so terribly dearly. Have you thought that tonight and then told yourself to hush? Maybe if I lie still enough quietly enough listen hard enough, I'll feel some sense of overlap.

you can find me at my tumblr now.


thanks for seven and half years of letting me spill my thoughts, dreams, desires, hates, loves, passions, and tears here.

back to austin

grocery store

recording town

comment with your favorite unsigned online writer.
someone who is compelling and can tell an amazing story and would make a good fit in the second REMNANTS style compilation book.

please provide a link to their work.


- today is the 2nd annual deadxstop publishing corporations holiday party. if you're down for the rollerskate jam, make sure to mention what you are there for otherwise you will be turned away.

- also, its doesnt get more petty than passive/aggressive twitter updates.


and i will now leave you with a picture of charlie and an empty hot dougs.



*note dougs lack of enthusiasm.